Tag Archives: Depression

Minimalistic Pain

A steel box
Stainless for that minimalist touch

In case my blood drops
It’ll be real easy to clean up

A tornado of pretentious words and platitudes
A storm of unspoken emotions and digested traumas

Keep me shackled in this box that has no opening

Inherently luminant
Reflecting off itself

A straight jacket so fashionable
What is a trend but a system of control?

Freedom only in my self-infliction

But you would have to get close to see my pain
Close enough to see these chains

To understand how we are the same

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Epidemic

It starts off small
Just a patch on my chest

Then it slowly grows over my arms
and up to my neck

I cover it up
Nothing to see here
There is nothing anyone can do about it
There is nothing there

As it spreads over my back
I laugh louder

Then it takes over my legs
I start to feel it

My hands are beginning to show it
So my face grows more vacant

As I sleep, I toss and turn
Only to wake up and to truly see it

It has swallowed my body whole
Completely engulfed it

How shall I find a way
to keep this secret
When even I cannot ignore it?

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Smiles of Fear

Constant fear of isolation

Brings it quicker and faster

Than time could make possible

A love

Of hatred

Beliefs rooted, in self disbelief

 

Grounded through the heels

Through the balls

May it open up and swallow me.

 

Birds singing of their freedom.

I wish to emulate.

Instead of sitting bitterly

Resting on my calves

Waiting to be slaughtered

By my mind’s clean-up initiative.

 

“Brighter days ahead…”

Yet the brightness of day

Is blinding

There is no comfort

To be had

 

The false smile eats away

At me. The stress

Of this social synchronicity.

Causing a single line of sweat

To roll down my chest

 

My heart is finding the niceties debilitating

My third breast lactating

Feeding kindness to those that don’t

Deserve

Only to have the beguiling, overcompensating

Smile

Gnashing in the night

Igniting hell in my mouth, simply showing

The inner workings of my mind

 

The height of politeness

The innate disgust at my

‘niceness’

 

The antiquity of my situations

Saddens

Creates a hole in the chest

My foremothers tried their best.

Sure I should continue this smile and not put tradition

To the test.

 

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Bedtime Fears

There will come a time
When the monsters
The boogeyman
And the ghosts
The shadows
And the ghouls
Will come from your childhood
to plague you

They will return with a vengeance for your blood
Reminding you of the battles you’ve though
Reminding you of the tears of fear that you’ve cried
Reminding you of the pain that you have endured

They also serve as a reminder, that a strength within you has evolved
To forget all that plagues you
To fight all that frightens you
And to destroy all that challenges

But remember, those who raise a sword hold an equally likely chance
Of being cut by it

Sometimes, ones independence can come at a price

The price of liberating yourself from your childish mind
Is the creation of the adult
The realisation of your true fears
Seeing the tangible presence that puts you to tears
And starting the process of overcoming.

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Magdelene the Siren

Am I like Magdalene?
If I am, I have been her since I was young
Only no white garment or exorcism was enough
No stinging water, no oil thrown hard enough
To cast the demons that were displaced upon me

My soul is forever heavy
Lilith that swims amongst the sea breeze
I take no prisoners for the sea has already captured me
The sailors are the ones that use me
Yet when they try to cling to me
I capture their soul with my talons and drag them with me
Into the abyss
And hold up a mirror to their soul
So they can see they have lost all control
And their inequity they can run from no more

The true sullied and decrepid nature of a man’s soul
Grotesque and seeping
with pus filled sores
By the million ways he has tried to curb his pain
with a vile sword

There is no honour in creating a Magdalene
In ravishing a siren
You should have committed seppuku

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The Wheatfield

Will I ever truly be free?
To feel the sunshine on my face
And appreciate it without feeling fear?
Fear of my happiness being snatched away
Like the winter brings the night

Will I ever look at the sea
And wonder
Wonder with marvel
at all the colours
that encompass one another and flourish
At the waves causing havoc
Without wishing
to be taken into its depths
And perishing
Amongst creatures and nature that have never known me?

Will I ever look at the birds without envy?
Without jealously calculating
the freedom of their journey
The flow and beauty
of their feathers?
Gliding and swimming
across the sky into oblivion

Will I ever embrace the world around me
Without wanting it
to consume me

Will I ever learn to love
Without wanting
The Love
to devour me

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Tired of Trying

I am tired of inebriation
I am tired of dreams
I am tired of lucid thinking and hallucinations that make feel like I’m asleep
I am tired of dreaming of chasing dreams and failing
I am tired of all the hope my friends and lovers gave me

I am tired of this hunch on my back that grows larger
I am tired of the pain in my head that’s keen gather

I am tired of the tears that form when I remember life when I was younger

I am tired of the shame that is attached to all the pain I have encountered

I am tired of being inebriated
I am tired of dreaming
I am tired of the little light that shines, that never seems to reach me.

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Death In Paradise

Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to end up on the side of street pathetic and ill
With all my grand plans and illusions gone stale
The Eden of my mind unkept and derelict
With all my possible accomplishments nothing but a fail

Drunk and dim
Drowning all of my sorrows with gin
Outbursts of violence before I finally breakdown and cry
Imagine if I could die?
This cheat code called suicide is not enough
When did I become so bleak within

Hope is not enough to stop this fear from eating me from the inside

My dreams are nightmares now
My Angel hates me now
And death, the vulture, is free to capture me now

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Mad Alice

I didn’t mean to tumble
I didn’t mean to fall
Down this hole that I abhor

I fell past the jeers of mocking laughter
The years of paintings and sculptures that alluded me
Past the grabbing hands of old lovers
Past the intrusive stare of failed ones

Choking on fumes of marijuana
And being deafened by the music that represents years of trauma
Past my mother’s knowing but silent gaze
And passed all my past foolish mistakes

I fell and I fell
Till I saw the future of my pain if I allowed my life stay the same
The tedium and the regret
The bitterness and the ways I recollect, shards of a dream I broke over and over again

Yet, there’s a little door out of this hole
The albino rabbit knows, that’s why he shoved me down here in hope
To face my fears and fight them and finally admit that I can truly run through the snow
No matter how bitter and cold, I should always know that those fears of the white rabbit’s hole don’t hold all the control

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A Salvation So Bleak

Just another sip, crisp and like vinegar in taste
I’m so close. Numb me just a little bit more. Cause my body to hit the floor.
I want to feel closer to comatose. Lusting for death, the existence of a whore.

I should feel shame at the pain
At the desperation
At how little this makes me gain
But I can do nothing but beg for more, to gain that temporary satisfaction
Bring me closer to my grave
Numb my sense and make me forget my existence upon this plane, this organised mass of dirt
It is the reason for my demise, my clotted lungs and strain on my nape

My soul is tired of the demons that dance around me
who kick out my knees for fun, in a merry-go-round about me
A pain I feel even when hope shines gently out my eyes like twilight
I’m not truly able to escape its tide
All of my hope becomes undone – this is what makes my existence feel like ice.

Black wings descend upon me
I think it is death – finally some respite
But it is my Angel’s wings come to protect me.
He looks just like me – no caricature of whiteness. The bleakness of his wings showing me the depths of the turmoil I feel within. He cares for me.
He believes in me and all that I stand for and will not stand for weight of guilt to bury me
Even the demons I flaunt explicitly, he does not shy away from them but makes them worship me.

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