Tag Archives: anxiety

Asylum of the Night

Broken in a ways that they can’t detect the pain
It comes to me at night
I try to sleep in vain

Silently walking through the streets
In my mind
But my body gives me away
A fight for time

“I solemnly swear to try and stop breaking” goes my old melodic saying

It’s never quite fulfilled
Then I wear the shadow of shame
A beautiful coat that others see as game

 

My throat clogs up when I try to explain this saying
My eyes well up when I realise all my cuts are in the way

I pray for a tongue that can explain the pain
Away away
I can’t keep up with the saying
My flesh is weak and all it knows is betrayal

My darting eyes cannot disguise the weight of this cloak
I’m out of time

And in mother’s womb I pray and pray
That I should never awake and face this doom

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Abandoned Lovers and Wasted Dreams

“The nights of running through the metallic green forest, has come to an end

Knees bloodied

I plead with the Grand Tree to release me of all my inequities
To feed me fruit, so I will no longer be weak
Provide me shelter, so the creatures will no longer attack me

For I have left many lovers
And now I have no one to nurse me back to health
I have no one to protect me in this hell
I feared the light of their love
And abandoned the ways of the Siren’s sea”

I craved an innate solidarity

So please oh, Old Tree
Protect Me

The Tree opened up and embraced her.

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Dream Error 404

It’s pitch white

Too bright to see a thing

And their laughter surrounds me

Weakening me at the knees

I can barely breathe

 

Every laugh they make

Is a step my feet falter to make

All that is before me disappears

My dreams, nothing but fantasies I can’t recreate

So the whispers grow stronger, as my mind regurgitates all that is before it

 

No soul. No hate.

 

And yet I force myself to move, before I am late

Family values and niceties await me

I’ll come back to face my fears later

But first, let me dress right.

 

I’d rather evoke envy than become prey.

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Death In Paradise

Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to end up on the side of street pathetic and ill
With all my grand plans and illusions gone stale
The Eden of my mind unkept and derelict
With all my possible accomplishments nothing but a fail

Drunk and dim
Drowning all of my sorrows with gin
Outbursts of violence before I finally breakdown and cry
Imagine if I could die?
This cheat code called suicide is not enough
When did I become so bleak within

Hope is not enough to stop this fear from eating me from the inside

My dreams are nightmares now
My Angel hates me now
And death, the vulture, is free to capture me now

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Mad Alice

I didn’t mean to tumble
I didn’t mean to fall
Down this hole that I abhor

I fell past the jeers of mocking laughter
The years of paintings and sculptures that alluded me
Past the grabbing hands of old lovers
Past the intrusive stare of failed ones

Choking on fumes of marijuana
And being deafened by the music that represents years of trauma
Past my mother’s knowing but silent gaze
And passed all my past foolish mistakes

I fell and I fell
Till I saw the future of my pain if I allowed my life stay the same
The tedium and the regret
The bitterness and the ways I recollect, shards of a dream I broke over and over again

Yet, there’s a little door out of this hole
The albino rabbit knows, that’s why he shoved me down here in hope
To face my fears and fight them and finally admit that I can truly run through the snow
No matter how bitter and cold, I should always know that those fears of the white rabbit’s hole don’t hold all the control

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Hate Needs Lovers Too

As you sit there and I idly chatter, I can see the demons begin to prod your mind
Ever illusive when you question if they are truly there
Apart from when you’re unaware at the growing pit of darkness that subdues you in your bed
Any conscious effort to exorcise yourself lost as you are slowly misled, by those dark little fairies dancing around your head
You wish to cry out
Bed laden with sweat
You want air but now a goblin sits on your chest, resisting your urge to open the window and leave the bed
Your legs weak yet restless

No one can help you in this state
Shame has crowned your head, oh how you pray you was an ancient African King instead

The demons know your dreams, so they know the quickest path to your mental death

Still, I sit here with you and drink with you
For I too know what it’s like to have a daily death
But I must leave soon for your fiery disposition destroys me to my depths

I do not wish to reach hell yet.

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Puppet Master

As I sit on this high chair in this cold stainless steel laboratory

The White Coat approaches me, floating like air

I demon gliding in its domain.

But this is not the time for me to look at such things with such care

 

She smiles at me

Teeth brown and crooked.

Methamphetamines.

Yet I give her access to my brain.

For she is the White Coat

I am the slave

 

Not too far from Anne’s acquaintances

Only this time the camps and chambers are built mentally

 

She strokes my head

Why do I feel like Gretel about to be pushed into the oven?

But it’s my mouth that is the oven

And this little pill that is my demise


A veneer so spotless

Shining, like a Barbie still displayed in her packaging

Her smile becoming more menacing

Like a beautiful Jinn

 

Smiling and laughing, till the nerves of others grow thin

 

But in the depth of her eyes you see the darkness within

 

The large bubbling cauldron of life’s past sins and present insecurities.

That makes her heart burn till it is crippling

all the leftover personality and light that resonates from her mind’s kitchen

 

Caught up in a spell that not my own.

 

Yet I feel my heart burn and voice and laughter grow.

 

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Destiny In the Waves

It moves with no vicious intent

But is dangerous all the same

Strong and powerful

Feeling the world’s motions.

Does Yemaja cry out again?

 

A tremulous Sea that knows the stillness of doubt and uncertainty

Blue and grey, with all the colours in-between.

The waves do not crash but push aggressive and elegantly

I’m sure she called me here immediately

To remember to cleanse my soul and view the world humbly

 

There is too much to try to grapple for a place in this world possessively.

Know your strength and feel the power of your waves beneath your feet.

 

Though the fear that moves through you, as your eyes view the waves, incapacitates you

Renders you speechless

And palpitates the strength in you

Remember, you have coursed these waves before.

 

Your heart was a ship that was once wrecked in battle

But now you have made your stern strong.

Time to end this fear of being slaughtered like cattle

 

Your battle scars are too right for your confidence to be undone.

 

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A Fallacy Truly Pathetic

Jesus.

I wonder if that’s an expletive or a prayer
Or both.

Tired of the insecurity of the awareness and the sweat on my chest

A mental workout that stresses my soul
Makes me feel less whole and tired of this hole

They say the world is whole
So why do so many missing pieces appear in my soul

Makes me too tired to re-energise these trees within me

Make my skin clammy without any respite of a sea

I despair at its meager embrace

Yet many tell me to be thankful.

The responsibility of my life was not a choice and yet I am meant to be grateful.

A bitter laugh I resist because that may just end up showing my semblance of hate for you.

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Sitting Pretty

It’s like a war of the nerves

Keeping calm even when your heart is in pain

 

Creating a scenario where life feels like a game

So simple things one may gain

 

Never fully escaping the pain

But being a slave to other things before one goes insane

 

So what does one do?

They live for the fame

Unraveling the truth of their aim from society’s naked eye

 

Going from scene to scene

Creating havoc

As their soul slowly slips out from within

 

But the fame keeps them going

Seeking relief from their deathly daily submission

 

Many do not even know if their path is as wild as this

Or their view as tainted

But they are aware their key to survival is different

 

A lion and a tiger may look the same but they ultimately have different views in life; Different survival techniques

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