Category Archives: mental health

Reflections On Truth

The words escape me
I cannot find who I am

I see the shadow but I cannot chase her
As she is always one step ahead of me

I see her being reflected in the glass but she is in chains
Being held accountable for all that she has not gained

I beg the mirror to release her as blood spills onto those rusted chains

The mirror laughs and says
“It’s not me that has trapped her but it has been you, this whole time.
Are you not ashamed”

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Undine

Even when I rise up from the abyss
Like the Queen of the Damned
I shall not know my place
And will choose to vacate any place that moves me
Wherever the water takes me
I’ll let it breathe right through me
And bring me to life

Even when I am near death
And seaweed hangs from my head
My hair loc’ing and molding
I shall simply cut it off

I have no more place for burdens.

For I have been to the earthy rocks and the mountains
Only to see the rock hard and I am not like them
Pushing obstacle off of cliffs, instead of bypassing them

So I went to the other half of me, The Sea
And understood I needed to breathe from within
To not allow my mind to drown me

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Anxiety Time Machine

Constantly running
Running to or from the shame
The fear of fame begets me, the fear of fortune found me
All that Dead Girl Theory surrounds me

I don’t want to become a corpse too.

So shall I run? Or become a slave because shame begets me? Toiling for a witch like an unskilled mage

Ex-lovers haunting me
But they’re not quier dead
For goodness sake
Don’t let them find me
For I am ashamed my beauty is fake
Or to see realistically, how quickly my glass house can break

Platform after platform
Trains, undergrounds and buses
They’re all coming to fast now
I can’t concentrate

Fear of being exposed as a fraud surrounds me
They’ve sent the Gestapo to get me
The gunshots go off arround me
But I am still alive. Still breathing.

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Asylum of the Night

Broken in a ways that they can’t detect the pain
It comes to me at night
I try to sleep in vain

Silently walking through the streets
In my mind
But my body gives me away
A fight for time

“I solemnly swear to try and stop breaking” goes my old melodic saying

It’s never quite fulfilled
Then I wear the shadow of shame
A beautiful coat that others see as game

 

My throat clogs up when I try to explain this saying
My eyes well up when I realise all my cuts are in the way

I pray for a tongue that can explain the pain
Away away
I can’t keep up with the saying
My flesh is weak and all it knows is betrayal

My darting eyes cannot disguise the weight of this cloak
I’m out of time

And in mother’s womb I pray and pray
That I should never awake and face this doom

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Minimalistic Pain

A steel box
Stainless for that minimalist touch

In case my blood drops
It’ll be real easy to clean up

A tornado of pretentious words and platitudes
A storm of unspoken emotions and digested traumas

Keep me shackled in this box that has no opening

Inherently luminant
Reflecting off itself

A straight jacket so fashionable
What is a trend but a system of control?

Freedom only in my self-infliction

But you would have to get close to see my pain
Close enough to see these chains

To understand how we are the same

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Epidemic

It starts off small
Just a patch on my chest

Then it slowly grows over my arms
and up to my neck

I cover it up
Nothing to see here
There is nothing anyone can do about it
There is nothing there

As it spreads over my back
I laugh louder

Then it takes over my legs
I start to feel it

My hands are beginning to show it
So my face grows more vacant

As I sleep, I toss and turn
Only to wake up and to truly see it

It has swallowed my body whole
Completely engulfed it

How shall I find a way
to keep this secret
When even I cannot ignore it?

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Smiles of Fear

Constant fear of isolation

Brings it quicker and faster

Than time could make possible

A love

Of hatred

Beliefs rooted, in self disbelief

 

Grounded through the heels

Through the balls

May it open up and swallow me.

 

Birds singing of their freedom.

I wish to emulate.

Instead of sitting bitterly

Resting on my calves

Waiting to be slaughtered

By my mind’s clean-up initiative.

 

“Brighter days ahead…”

Yet the brightness of day

Is blinding

There is no comfort

To be had

 

The false smile eats away

At me. The stress

Of this social synchronicity.

Causing a single line of sweat

To roll down my chest

 

My heart is finding the niceties debilitating

My third breast lactating

Feeding kindness to those that don’t

Deserve

Only to have the beguiling, overcompensating

Smile

Gnashing in the night

Igniting hell in my mouth, simply showing

The inner workings of my mind

 

The height of politeness

The innate disgust at my

‘niceness’

 

The antiquity of my situations

Saddens

Creates a hole in the chest

My foremothers tried their best.

Sure I should continue this smile and not put tradition

To the test.

 

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Bedtime Fears

There will come a time
When the monsters
The boogeyman
And the ghosts
The shadows
And the ghouls
Will come from your childhood
to plague you

They will return with a vengeance for your blood
Reminding you of the battles you’ve though
Reminding you of the tears of fear that you’ve cried
Reminding you of the pain that you have endured

They also serve as a reminder, that a strength within you has evolved
To forget all that plagues you
To fight all that frightens you
And to destroy all that challenges

But remember, those who raise a sword hold an equally likely chance
Of being cut by it

Sometimes, ones independence can come at a price

The price of liberating yourself from your childish mind
Is the creation of the adult
The realisation of your true fears
Seeing the tangible presence that puts you to tears
And starting the process of overcoming.

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Magdelene the Siren

Am I like Magdalene?
If I am, I have been her since I was young
Only no white garment or exorcism was enough
No stinging water, no oil thrown hard enough
To cast the demons that were displaced upon me

My soul is forever heavy
Lilith that swims amongst the sea breeze
I take no prisoners for the sea has already captured me
The sailors are the ones that use me
Yet when they try to cling to me
I capture their soul with my talons and drag them with me
Into the abyss
And hold up a mirror to their soul
So they can see they have lost all control
And their inequity they can run from no more

The true sullied and decrepid nature of a man’s soul
Grotesque and seeping
with pus filled sores
By the million ways he has tried to curb his pain
with a vile sword

There is no honour in creating a Magdalene
In ravishing a siren
You should have committed seppuku

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The Wheatfield

Will I ever truly be free?
To feel the sunshine on my face
And appreciate it without feeling fear?
Fear of my happiness being snatched away
Like the winter brings the night

Will I ever look at the sea
And wonder
Wonder with marvel
at all the colours
that encompass one another and flourish
At the waves causing havoc
Without wishing
to be taken into its depths
And perishing
Amongst creatures and nature that have never known me?

Will I ever look at the birds without envy?
Without jealously calculating
the freedom of their journey
The flow and beauty
of their feathers?
Gliding and swimming
across the sky into oblivion

Will I ever embrace the world around me
Without wanting it
to consume me

Will I ever learn to love
Without wanting
The Love
to devour me

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